You're not going to be able to work this thing out. There's no solution to this mess. The only moment that you can live here comfortably in these absolutely irreconcilable conflicts is when you embrace it all and say, "Look, I don't understand a f---ing thing at all. Hallelujah!"
A man came to Libnani, a Sufi teacher, and this interchange took place: Man: "I wish to learn, will you teach me?" Libnani: "I do not feel that you know how to learn." Man: "Can you teach me how to learn?" Libnani: "Can you learn how to let me teach?"