QUESTIONS TO Ponder . . .or make you chuckle!

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

1996

In Memoriam

We pause for a moment to reflect on the death of someone who made a powerful impact on several generations of youngsters. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Every afternoon, a perfessor of theoretical physics comes into the university bar, sits in the next-to-last seat, turns to the last seat -- which is empty -- and asks a woman who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.

The barmaid is accustomed to weird university types, so she just silently shrugs at his antics.

As Valentine's Day arrives, and the persistent perfessor makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space. Curiosity gets the better of the barmaid, so she asks "Surely you notice

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always B-Negative.

My daughter really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating: always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.

Priest: I would like someone to say "He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous."

Minister: I would like someone to say "He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners."

Rabbi: I would want someone to say "Look, he's moving."

A banker got confused about mathematics, so he asks his secretary:

"If I give you $3 million less 17%, how much would you take off?"

She replies: "Everything sir, the dress, the shoes, bra and g- string."

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled
in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman
boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading
straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the
seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business
trip or pleasure?' She turned, smiled and said, 'Business.
I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America
Convention, in Boston .' He swallowed hard. Here was the
most gorgeous woman, he had ever seen sitting next to him,
and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horse.

666 is the Number of the BEAST

670 - Approximate number of the Beast

DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast

666.0000000 - Number of the High Precision Beast

665.9999954 - Number of the Pentium Beast

0.666 - Number of the Millibeast

/666 - Beast Common Denominator

666 x sq. rt (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast

1010011010 - Binary of the Beast 6

1-666 - Area code of the Beast

00666 - Zip code of the Beast

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