If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, oy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady is not
wearing a seat belt!"

A man and a little boy entered a barber shop together. After the man received the full treatment -- shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etcetera, he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade. I will be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still had not returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy has forgotten all about you."

"That was not my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we are gonna get a free haircut!' "

Mulla Nasrudin complained to the health department about his brothers.

"I have got six brothers," he said. "We all live in one room. They have too many pets. One has twelve monkeys and another has twelve dogs. There's no air in the room and it's terrible! You have got to do something about it."

"Have you got windows?" asked the man at the health department.

"Yes," said the Mulla.

"Why don't you open them?" he suggested.

"WHAT?" yelled Nasrudin, "AND LOSE ALL MY PIGEONS?"

At an elementary school in Cornwall, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, 'I'll give a shilling to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.'

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, 'It was St. Patrick.' The teacher said, 'Sorry Sean, that's not correct.'

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, 'It was St. Andrew.' The teacher replied, 'I'm sorry, Robert, that's not right either.'

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, 'It was Jesus Christ.'

The teacher said, 'That's absolutely right, Jacob, come up here and take your shilling.'

Samuel Goldwyn is notorious for his misuse of the
language. However, he also had quite the sharp
wit. Sometimes his wit is mistaken for verbal
flub, while other times a verbal flub is the only
way conceivable explanation. Either way, this
collection of quotations is hilarious.

1.”An oral contract isn't worth the paper it is written on

2.”Gentleman, include me out”

3. “I've gone were the hand of man has never set foot”

4. “Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined “

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.
Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.
Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven; then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
Henry, 8